So, I just got home from a very mediocre date. My second POF (Plenty of Fish) guy. I still need to write about guy #1 (Peru). We’ll call this one “Awkfest” because he seemed to like making things super awkward leading up to the date and adding a bunch of undue pressure on it when there was already pressure. I mean, hello? It’s a first date. A BLIND first date. From a dating website. Isn’t that awkward enough on its own?
(I’ll preface the ridiculousness that’s about to ensue – so you know that I don’t just go out with anyone, although it will SURELY sound like I do – that he was totally normal and charming online and via text at first and on the phone when he called. He just got super Awkfest-like as our date approached. So, basically, for four out of the five days we communicated.)
Here is a wee sampling of the sorts of things he would text me:
“You ready for the awkwardness of the first date? haha” – I replied by saying he was making it more awkward.
“Hopefully after the date you still think it was a good idea lol” – Um. I didn’t reply to this. Why? Because I don’t want to make any promises to someone I don’t even know at all before I’ve met him and can tell if this even has a chance of going anywhere.
“Can you not judge me on how dirty my car is though? Lol” – I don’t judge, especially on things like this. But, dude, why call it out? It’s not like he was picking me up and I was riding in his car. For all he knows, I wouldn’t even end up seeing the car so why the fuss, man? Why? Well, turns out he hasn’t washed his car since he moved to Arizona. Which was over a year ago. Because he “hasn’t gotten around to it.” Um, how long does it take to drive through a car wash?
“So do we shake hands, hug, just say hi, something else?” – In reference to us meeting outside the restaurant, which would be our first time to meet in person. I thought he was asking this as a cute joke. Turns out this was a serious question because when I said, “Hmm this could get interesting” he said, “Why is that?”
“Have another date before me? Lol” – When I asked if we could meet at 7 instead of 6. I get that he’s probably trying to be cute, okay? But really, this is just insecurity masked in a not-so-funny joke.
“Hey” – Enough said.
“I have green dye on me and it really won’t come off… will that be held against me tomorrow?” – You could just not tell me this. Stop worrying about how the date’s gonna go.
“You gotta rest up to make a good impression tomorrow” – ??? In reference to our upcoming date. I didn’t reply so he then said that it was a joke. Well, what’s not a joke is the fact that I was thinking his impression is the one that needed some work.
“Gotta make sure I’m not some big creeper first? Lol” – In reference to me not telling him where my happy hour was. And yes, sir, what utter fool would disclose their location a person they have only talked with virtually?
“The pressure keeps building” – ONLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT!
“Are you just expecting the worst so you can’t be let down? Lol” – How the hell am I supposed to answer this nicely? The truth is at this point I have little to no expectations when it comes to men.
“So I just turned on catfish… that’s not gonna happen to me on Sunday, right? Lol” – OMG.
“So have you been on many dates from that website or do I have some strong competition now? Haha” – Fo reals?
Talking about me remembering his bday… “You’ll only have to remember if we are still talking this time next year” – And guys think girls come on too strong? Please.
“But I have to ask… a pretty, educated female with what sounds to be a good job.. what are you doing still single? I would imagine guys are hitting on you all the time” – just EW with the “still single” bit. And calling me a “female.” What happened to a simple ‘woman’?
“How would you feel about Sunday? If you aren’t sick of me by then?” – Just be a man and ask me out without the follow up question that showcases your insecurity (I’m sorry, I know we are all insecure sometimes but I had already said yes to the date; we were just picking the actual day so no reason to assume the worst). Don’t assume I’ll be sick of you or make me feel like I have to reassure you.
And perhaps the worst offender of all: “I’m still waiting for your deep dark secret as to how someone like you is single lol” … “And not complaining right now that you are” – There we go with the “single” thing again. The most backhanded compliment and awkward thing to answer. Thanks, Awkfest.
If we’re being honest, this is how I really felt. We’ve all been there.
So this is all just pre-date. On the actual date I learned Awkfest is still living in Frat City. He openly told me he usually sleeps all day on Sunday and drinks the most in his family.
Look, I’m all for having fun and getting drunk with my friends. But, I’m 26 (and so is he) and slowing down with all that. Plus, no matter what I did I wouldn’t share info like that on a first date when trying to make a good first impression.
I mean, I asked him what he does and the consensus seems to be consume alcohol. I’m still looking for new hobbies and things to get involved in myself, but this dude had like zero interest in anything besides sleeping and drinking. Plus I think he was still hungover on our date.
He lives with a guy from college, he hangs out with the same group of guys from college and goes to the same bars every weekend. I don’t know… it’s just like, grow up already. Make some new friends. Try new places. Get out of bed for God’s sake!! And don’t send awkward ass text messages pre-date that make an already awkward situation even weirder!
So, in sum, as my friend Kelsey so aptly put it, why doesn’t he just say he’s a lazy alcoholic? (Lol)
* The “lol” was sarcastic, in case you couldn’t tell.